Photography by Lori K. Tate
For Mother’s Day, I had a necklace made that reads Esse Quam Videri. Sound familiar? Check out North Carolina’s state seal and you’ll see this Latin phrase that means, “To be, rather than to seem.” It’s our state motto.
I can’t remember when I learned our motto’s meaning. It might have been in elementary school, where my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Moose (one of the best teachers ever), painted the halls with endless North Carolina murals. Every time we walked to the restroom, we were reminded that our state shell was the Scotch Bonnet, and our state tree was the pine.
Regardless of when I learned our motto, it stuck with me. “To be, rather than to seem” seemed like a wonderful way to live. Little did I know how hard it would be to do because society and its expectations have different ideas about how to go about this. As a people pleaser, I found it difficult to extricate myself from that web of standards. Difficult, but not impossible.
That said, I struck out on a self-audit about three years ago that would bring me closer to being rather than seeming. I began noticing things that weren’t working in my life, and slowly, but surely, made adjustments.
First, I resigned from a board position that took me away from my children and my parents too much. Then, after ten years, I left a job that was slowly chipping away at my soul and was no longer a good fit for me. Last fall, after ditching church for at least two years, we began attending a new church. These weren’t easy decisions to make, and they were even harder to implement. There were tears, sleepless nights and endless conversations, but my family and I did it. We took brave steps so that we could be rather than seem.
As I peek out my door at the world, wondering what it will be like when COVID-19 evolves into a history lesson, I want to continue being rather than seeming. I want to speak out when I see injustice instead of nodding silently and walking away because I’m afraid I’ll offend someone. I want to say “no” when someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do. I want to disagree when I don’t agree with something. I want to live an authentic life with no apologies.
These are big goals, but I think I can get there with practice…and age. Speaking of age, one way I’m living authentically is through my hair. Even though the coronavirus has forced many women to grow out their color, I started doing it a year ago. A combination of losing my hairdresser, finances and just becoming tired of the maintenance brought me to this decision.
As an older mom, I vehemently opposed letting my white (not gray, folks) hair shine through and vowed that I wouldn’t do it until I hit at least 50. Well, I’m 47.5, and I’ve decided that it’s time to be who I am. My father has the most beautiful white hair you’ve ever seen, and hopefully, I eventually will, too. Until then, we’re going with the term ashy blonde (baby steps).
It’s a little thing, but it’s liberating. I’ve earned those white hairs so why would I want to hide them? Why would I want to cover up who I am? Why would anyone want to do that?
We are all these wonderful cocktails of experiences, environment, interests and talents. Maybe being cooped up for months will inspire us to serve those cocktails to the world and see what happens. How beautiful would it be if we all came out of this being instead of seeming?
As for my necklace, I plan to wear it often because I’ve earned it and because I don’t want to forget who I am. It’s taken me a long time to uncover who that is, and I refuse to let her go now.